[Saesenthesis]

Hi there!

I don't know if this is the right section to post this ,but I recently got into writing short stories and this is the first chapter I wrote.It's pretty hard to get watchers and readers to notice you on deviantart so I thought I'd post it here and hope more feedback comes my way!

Hope someone has the time to read/comment/watch.

http://thenimster.de...t.com/#/d5ty0o2

[Glaroug]

I look forward to your second installment. That is some fishy business Jayson has sent her on. Before I start adding comments, let me say I really respect people like you who show there work to strangers. It takes courage to throw something you worked hard on to the dogs of the internet (be they a merry dachshund or vile Warg)

Well, I liked it. I got a taste for Aterra's character without paragraphs of her life from childhood to present. Development and presentation through action is a great thing. I'm curious to hear more about her. For an 18 year old girl she seemed to command quite a lot more respect than I would have thought possible. With that in mind, I like her even more. I'm a sucker for strong, well developed (haha! no seriously) female characters.

Now, I am by no means a literary critic, but I thought you might appreciate some..."technical" feedback. Some of the more "wordy sentences could be easier to digest if they were broken up. Long sentences are fine, but variation when applicable is welcomed. An excellent job indeed

And your also from Serbia?! To that I can only gape open-mouthed and salute. Your English is better than many native speakers.

[Saesenthesis]

Thanks for taking the time to read it, and I appreciate your critique to the fullest. I'm kinnda nervous, and was scarred no one would read it at first, so I'm glad for every read.
I'm glad you like my character ,she's been tricky business for me so far />

Thank you for giving out 'technical feedback' as well, every kind of suggestion is helpful and seeing how a few people agree with your assessment, I will work on cutting sentences shorter.

Anyway, I proof read and posted part two, and here's the link.

http://thenimster.de...t.com/#/d5u5ols

[Glaroug]

Consider me hooked. I love the introduction of Ephinema in the beginning asthat angry voice. I can't say I like Jayson too much, but I'll just have tosave my opinions for later. I completely agree with Ephinema's opinion of thewhole situation. The first story had me a little fooled; she's a lot greener than I first anticipated.

You should be proud of your dialogue. Its solid and each character,although briefly introduced, has their own "voice".

I don't read a lot of Science fiction. Other the Dune series, the onlyScience Fiction I've been exposed is Mass Effect (and its a video game). I saythis because of the "tech" terminology. When I read the Witcherfirst time, there was mentions of kingdoms, people, schemes. I was throwninto the story, an the characters spoke as if I was born there. When Iread Burning Chrome for instance, the terminology was foreign but presented assomething just as ordinary as a chair. Its an atmosphere, so to speak; aunique sensation that is almost dreamlike. I feel this achieves that. Needlessto say I will be looking for more . Thanksfor posting it here.

[Saesenthesis]

Thank you for the kind words. Here's chapter 3. Enjoy.
http://thenimster.de...2F41844563&qo=0

[Saesenthesis]

Part four, after a while

http://thenimster.de...2F41844563&qo=0

[Saesenthesis]

And the first part of a new character's story:

http://thenimster.de...2F43574642&qo=0