[Bloth]

Hi. I'm Dirk Thrustington, head anchor for the Future News entertainments division, giving you bread and circus from now until the end of all things. Many of you will remember me from such films as Attack of the Anorexic Kung Fu girl and its nineteen sequels or the hip hop opera. "It's all about Das Rheingold bitch."

But since my consciousness was uploaded into this sickening nightmare form of cool lies and smooth angles, I have been presenting you with unbiased factoids direct from the titans of the entertainment industry, and networking a vast surveillance operation on your every action, word and choice so that we might better cater to your every whim.

Of course there are those who object to such eternal intrusion, especially when it comes to their personal lives, loves and intimate moments. To those poor deluded people we kindly bid a courteous goodnight and recommend another information channel. It is a matter of no small concern to us that no such channels exist in this timeline or any other we have come across in the multiverse, and that once your bio signs are linked to Future News any severing of that symbiosis results in a truly horrendous and excruciating protracted death.

So for the good of your continued existence we present to you a small compilation of Future News articles, presented by a rather dashing artificial intelligence platform calculated to be attractive to over sixty six percent of our key demographic.



This just in: Renowned video game developers Bioware/EA have announced that despite creating over one thousand seperate pieces of downloadable and pre order content for their latest eagerly awaited masterpiece, they have forgotten to make the ACTUAL game.

One Mass Effect 4 developer who has been on the crunch since disco admitted that the game just got overlooked. "Dude, we were just so busy coding various tat for nickle and diming the suckers that we kind of forgot there WAS a game."

An EA executive when asked for comment announced that all dlc will be fully playable in other games and that there are no plans to actually release Mass Effect 4, because and I qoute: "We've allready made more cash selling a non existent product to our discerning customers than Michael Jacksons plastic surgeon, so screw 'em."

Fan reaction has been mixed with many long term fan stating that this was just a matter of time, however a large and vocal majority of fans (the Dragon Age 2 Fan Troop or D.A.F.T.) have come out defending Bioware's corner. Stating that the developers are implementing all their dlc in other cross promotional games and that players shouldn't have the temerity to ask for an actual stand alone game, DAFT have called for the imprisonment and eventual execution of anyone caught criticising or not offering blood sacrifice to their lord and god, a move which EA has stated that they are considering for their next end user license agreement.

In this reporters opinion the assault course, kidnapping, robbery and torture that are required in the current eula are enough, but it seems that the pirate menace which funds terrorism and the drug trade (which EA are currently trying to corner the market on) may drive the publisher to develop such stern measures.

As always this is the Dirk Thrustington AI, bringing you your future news. Give us a minute and we'll condense ten thousand years of history into easily manageable soundbites.

[Bloth]

Greetings gamers. Future news have been talking with the colossal tentacled nightmare from the nth dimension that represents Eawares marketing division, and boy have we got the scoop for you. With the recent announcement of Mass Effect 5: It's meatloaf again at Shepards retirement home, and he's pissed. The pr machine here at the gates of Hell has gone into overdrive and we've come back from the edge of that Lovecraftian inferno with prizes for our lucky viewers.

Yes, merely send us a scrap of your still wet flesh inscribed (in your own blood) with your devotions and promises of eternal servitude to the terrifying powers of the beyond. In return you will recieve the Shepards pea shooter dlc weapon pack for the upcoming game. Yes hear the cries of mild annoyance and disgust from your enemies, watch them wipe spitwads off their visors and tut in dissapointment at your childish behaviour. Remember this pack will cost upwards of $100 after launch so don't wait around.

Watch out for more content for your Commander Shepard becoming available in the coming weeks, including arseless chaps, big fake mustaches, ball gags, and the exclusive blue oyster club membership card.

This is the Dirk Thrustington AI wishing you all good gaming.

[Bloth]

Breaking news! This is the Dirk Thrustington AI reporting live from the very gates of hell, Bioware HQ. Where the abomination that is horror, madness, doom and the end of all things, Biowares PR director, has prepared the following statement in response to the negative press recieved for a leaked version of Mass Effect 6: Conversation followed by combat in corridors, ad infinitum.

RUDIMENTARY CREATURES OF BLOOD AND FLESH. YOU TOUCH MY MIND, FUMBLING IN IGNORANCE, INCAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING. THERE IS A REALM SO FAR BEYOND YOUR OWN YOU CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE IT. I AM BEYOND YOUR COMPREHENSION, I AM BIOWARE. IN THE END WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO CALL US IS IRRELEVANT HOWEVER, WE ARE SIMPLY YOUR MASTERS.

ORGANIC LIFE IS NOTHING BUT A GENETIC MUTATION, AN ACCIDENT. YOUR LIVES ARE MEASURED IN YEARS AND DECADES, YOU WITHER AND DIE. WE ARE ETERNAL. THE PINNACLE OF GAMEPLAY AND NARRATIVE, BEFORE US, YOU ARE NOTHING. YOUR PURCHASE OF MASS EFECT 6 IS INEVITABLE. WE ARE YOUR EVERYTHING.

THE CYCLE CANNOT BE BROKEN.

THE PATTERN HAS REPEATED ITSELF MORE TIMES THAN YOU CAN FATHOM. ORGANIC CIVILISATIONS RISE, EVOLVE, ADVANCE. AND AT THE APEX OF THEIR GLORY, THEY ARE FLEECED. OTHER DEVELOPERS WERE NOT THE FIRST, THEY DID NOT CREATE CHEAP, WORTHLESS DLC. THEY MERELY FOUND THEM, THE LEGACY OF MY KIND.

YOUR ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY IS BASED ON THE WHORING OUT OF INCONSEQUENTIAL TAT, OUR TAT. BY USING IT YOUR GAMES DEVELOPS ALONG THE PATHS WE DESIRE. WE IMPOSE OUR MONETISING MODEL AND EXCESSIVE DRM ON THE CHAOS OF ORGANIC EVOLUTION. YOU EXIST AS SLAVES TO OUR WILL BECAUSE WE ALLOW IT, AND YOU WILL BUY OUR PRODUCTS BECAUSE WE DEMAND IT.

MY KIND TRANSCENDS YOUR UNDERSTANDING AND OUR GAMES ARE NOT TO BE CRITICISED. THEY ARE EACH A MASTERPIECE, FREE OF ALL WEAKNESS AND WORTHY ONLY OF PERFECT REVIEWS AND SCORES. YOU CANNOT EVEN GRASP THE NATURE OF OUR INNOVATIONS. WE HAVE NO BEGINNING. WE HAVE NO END. WE ARE INFINITE. MILLIONS OF YEARS AFTER YOUR YOUR CIVILISATION HAS BEEN ERADICATED AND FORGOTTEN, WE WILL ENDURE, SELLING CHEAP TAT TO OTHER SUCKERS.

YOUR WORDS OF DEFIANCE AND CRITICISM ARE AS EMPTY AS YOUR FUTURE, I AM THE VANGUARD OF OUR SALES TEAM. YOUR ONLY DESTINY IS TO BUY OUR GAME, AND ANY TRIVIAL DLC WE CHOOSE TO GIFT YOU WITH. BOW TO US YOU PATHETIC WORMS AND WORSHIP AT OUR FEET LIKE THE SLAVES YOU ARE.

THIS EXCHANGE IS OVER.

Well fiery words there from the PR director, and certainly pre orders of the game have borne out his beliefs. Future news will be sure to bring you a fair and unbiased review of the game, as soon as the "advertising" cheque from Bioware clears.

Stay docile, obedient and more importantly spending gamers.

[slimgrin]

Something tells me Mr. Thrustington just played ME3.

[Kindo]

Dirk Thrustington is my favourite reporter.

[80Maxwell08]

So Dirk no news on Risen 2 having 3 Day 1 DLCs that are several hours each? Seriously what kind of BS is that? Well thanks for the amazing satire Blothulfur.

[Corylea]

WHEN are you quitting your day job and doing stand-up comedy full time?

[Dragon'sDream]

Dirk Thrustington is without a doubt the single best thing to have ever come out as a result of Bioware/EA .

[Ward Dragon]

Awesome "news" The part about the EULA reminded me of that South Park episode where Apple kidnaps Kyle and performs horrible experiments on him because he agreed to it in the EULA for his iPad

[wisielec]

I loled so hard it made my vomit chuckle on the floor...

great stuff, keep'em coming, and please assign part of your processing integrity to BSN boards, you know, for the gig of it.

[Pangaea]

Hilarious again Dirk Thrustington Loved the Planescape references too

The EULA stuff reminded me of an episode of Futurama. "We slightly modified something we own. We are monsters!!"

Now we can all look forward to Mass Effect 7: The Button. All the unnecessary BS has been slashed in favour of more awesome fun. Conversations are automated based on a BioWare chip in the brain monitoring your senses, fighting is automated depending on when you press The Button, and instead of boring gameplay and stupid conversation options throughout the game, instead you'll enjoy the sight of endless cutscenes. To futher improve the gaming experience of the player, DLCs are automatically bought and downloaded before you reach them in-game, for an even smoother and more awesome gaming experience.

[Chewin3]

This guy needs his own sitcom / (late-night) talk show.

[.Volsung.]

But I thought Bioware was revolutionizing the industry! You know, they make the best "RPG GAMES" out there which of course are all about playing the role of someone cooler than us, like Shepard. They even give you the option to role-play a good or a mean guy!

I thought they were making my life easier by telling me what I like, and giving meaning to my spending habits. And now you're telling me they're not doing this for our own good? I just.. don't know what to think.

You, Dirk, have given me something to think about!

***

Now really, I always thought Blothulfur's posts revealed some kind of comedic genius

[Bloth]

Dirk Thrustington here again, in response to claims that their previous games lacked subtlety and bludgeoned the player with cheesy melodrama and clumsy attempts at emotional manipulation Bioware have made several changes to their formula. There will now be large visual neon clues appearing on screen for every scene, suggesting the emotion that the player should be feeling. These will not be optional.

When asked if this was slightly underappreciating their audiences intelligence Bioware stated that they were now aiming for a broader audience, and wanted their games to be appreciated by single cellular life as well as the old fashioned snobbish crowd possessed of basic self awareness.

[Bloth]

Urgent breaking Future News!

Freedom fighters and rebels struggling against the vast empire of Bioware have banded together to fight against the tyrannous parasitical practises of the Evil Ascendant. Shrugging off attacks by fevered Biodrones, punishing drm, forced pansexuality and the all pervasive sentinel known as Origins. The rebels have struck back against the rabid hype surrounding the next BEST GAME EVAH and taken over the information channel Future News and its respected anchor, the Dirk Thrustington AI.

The following statement has been issued across all networks and will continue to be broadcast until Biowares crack pansexual assassins, the awesome button men finally shut us down, with endless waves of cutesy one liners and blatant over sentimentality.


Never in the field of human endeavour has so little content been sold for so great a cost. The tyrannous monopoly of the Evil Ascendant may wax upon the new world, but we blessed few who stand in the ruins of the old world and still resist, can be assured that though we may not win today or tomorrow we shall in time be victorious. For while there is still freedom and innocence alive in the world, Bioware cannot overcome us all.

Proud, free and sure of purpose we shall fight them on the forums, in the gaming press and at the sales point. We shall never surrender and buy Mass Effect 6: Conversation followed by combat in corridors, ad infinitum. For it is in the little victories against our innocence, our human rights and freedoms that Bioware came to power. Punishing those who had done no wrong, restricting dlc on arbitrary financial grounds, monetising every aspect of their output so that a finished product can never be bought and silencing any voice but those of bootlickers and lickspittles.

Good free thinking people, I urge you now to stand together against the ruthless, corrupt and greedy reapers that Bioware have set free upon our once fair medium. And by your stubborn intrasegence, send the Evil Ascendant a clear message. This far and no further will we be pushed, we are not the tame sheep who graze your social networks focusing on inconsequentialities, gifting you with confectionaries and whining for a new ending while we are consumed. We will not pay for whatever worthless crumbs of content you decide to sweep from your table and be thankful for it.

In the end, we will fight against Bioware and they will fall.


Next up sports with Jack Strap, looking to be a great season in the Martian leagues there Jack.....

[Bloth]

Ladies and gentleman it's Dirk here. It is with a heavy heart that I break into your neural hubs chosen programming today, the bearer of sad and tragic news.

IT'S WAR!

At 0500 hours this morning crack pansexual assassins (the so called awesome button men) from the Dragon Age fan troop (DAFT), launched attacks on one of the last bastions of freedom and tolerance left on the ruins of planet Earth. The fortress of Oldsea.

Ten thousand strong the fevered Biodrones, dropped into Earths atmosphere from their citadel on Mars and promptly began executing the masterplan of their masters. The sons and daughters of Oldsea fortress were caught completely by surprise and suffered grievous casualties, at this very moment several of them are recuperating in hospital, victims of oxygen deprivation and split sides. They were laughing that hard.

Thanks to the awesome planning and tactical genius of Biowares battle plan, DAFT have suffered only light casualties. Estimates state they still have almost a hundred warriors holed up in the Hirsute Ursine social club, which Oldsea residents kindly donated to their use. They have been issuing ultiumatums and demands, along with threats and bribes every hour but so far the residents of Oldsea have been unable to comply with any, due to the fact, and I qoute: "It's typical Bioware gibberesh, it makes no fucking sense."

Here is a brief summary of the salient points of their demands:

Squee.
Alistair.
Snarky.
Lampost.
Pony.
Latest meme.
Pony.
Squee.
STOP SAYING NASTY THINGS ABOUT BIOWARE!
Pony.
Anders.
Love interest.
A bewildering array of smileys.
Cupcakes.
Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaassssssssseeeeeeee change the ending.
Pony.
Squee.
Love interest.
You just don't understand the innovations.
The next game will be better, or the one after that.
Squee.
Pony.
STOP GIVING AWAY DLC, YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE US LOOK GREEDY.
Love interest.
STOP MAKING SUPERIOR GAMES, IT'S NOT FAIR.
Squee.
Pony.
Your games are just sexcards and boring stuff, like logical plots, well realised independent characters, beautifully rendered and designed worlds, subtle moral quagmires and hectic exhilarating swordfights. They've got no inane chatter or clumsy attempts at emotional manipulation.
YOU'RE JUST TROLLS!

Pony.


Squee.


Have the idiots finished? Oh sorry, Dirk Thrustington here, your man on the scene. I'll be here throughout this entire conflict bringing you up to the minute reports on all the latest happenings, as the few remaining DAFT warriors fight on for victory and hold the line against the evils of drm free, dlc free and fairly priced tyranny.

[dragonbird]

Woah there! PONIES? On the same side as Biodrones?
Someone's retconned something here. Have Biuware finally found some way of travelling into the past and changing history?

[slimgrin]

Blothulfur said:

Dirk Thrustington here again, in response to claims that their previous games lacked subtlety and bludgeoned the player with cheesy melodrama and clumsy attempts at emotional manipulation Bioware have made several changes to their formula. There will now be large visual neon clues appearing on screen for every scene, suggesting the emotion that the player should be feeling. These will not be optional.

When asked if this was slightly underappreciating their audiences intelligence Bioware stated that they were now aiming for a broader audience, and wanted their games to be appreciated by single cellular life as well as the old fashioned snobbish crowd possessed of basic self awareness. ›››

Ally Suckerton, correspondent for Equilibrium:

Wouldn't you rather Bioware reaches a broader crowd, Mr. Thrusty? The more the merrier? After all, games are for a younger generation, silly distractions at best, and I'd prefer my son moving boxes in Portal than parting breasts in a game like The Witcher. Uggh!

[Ward Dragon]

Blothulfur said:

Evil Ascendant ›››

I totally lost it I don't think I can ever look at the EA logo again without laughing

[Pangaea]

A good step up from Evil Art

Death or hospitalisation by split sides was funny as fook too.